The Dark I Know Well
by purple.skivvy
Summary: Nell Hawkins attends a Masquerade Ball. However, to avoid scandal she must find out what she fears most. One Shot.


**The Dark I Know Well**

I thought I would never see the day when my imagination danced before my very eyes.

I felt like I was rifling through the society pages of my sister's tattered copy of _Harper's Bazaar._ Even though I had committed every single one of those socialite's names to memory, tonight I could not recognize anyone.

The ball room had been transformed into another dimension altogether. Fairies twirled around the vast ball room, enchanting young men who were vulnerable to their charms. Knights offered princesses their hands, and the princesses in turn attempted to hide their eagerness by pressing their masks against their faces.

However there were also some other creatures who lurked, and moved swiftly amongst the happy couples. They wore the most elaborate masks, detailed with large ostrich feathers and giant sequins. These were the creatures that visited me far too often. They did not have a name. They were simply_ there._

My mother had not intended for me to come to this masquerade ball. However, my older sister had persuaded her to let me attend this ball. She argued that I needed to see more of the world and I couldn't just stay in my bedroom whilst she traversed from ball to ball making her mark in society. I elicited a rare smile when I heard her explanation. This could be my unofficial debut.

I sank into a chair at the other end of the ball room, placed my hands in my lap and pressed my heart shaped lips together. _Heart shaped lips._ That was how Freddie Gallagher, our gardener had described my lips. I wondered why he went away. I could only catch glimpses of what happened that night. He tried to protect me from the storm which thrashed mercilessly at the windows. I could only remember the rest of the night in flashes. My mother's look of disdain. How I felt when I threw my fist through the vanity as if I had leapt out of my own body. And how I became hysterical.

I knew then that I had bought my first ticket to Bedlam.

My heart skipped a beat as I looked up. A court jester stood before me. I could not take my eyes off his mask. Glittering diamonds filled my vision like a million shards of glass. He extended his hand to me and I took it after a moment's hesitation. I knew that the court jester was the king's favorite so I did not refuse.

The court jester led me down dark corridors, past closed doors and imposing statues which seemed to read my every thought. He stopped abruptly when we reached a small door and he tightened his grip.

He gently pushed the door so that it opened a fraction and we both slipped in. Some moonlight crept in through the tiny window in the corner of the room.

The court jester took his ridiculous, yet strangely magnificent hat off and proceeded to run his fingers along the pearls that I was wearing around my neck. My sister had lent me the pearls just for tonight so that I would not feel estranged from the other ladies who wore layers and layers of jewels. For once in my life I could just pretend that I was one of _them_.

The court jester leant in and I felt the rough texture of the mask he was wearing scrape against my face. As I began to see less and less of the moon through that window my hands tensed. Suddenly I felt like throwing my fist at his face as if it were that mirror that used to sit on my vanity. I wanted time to stand still. I wanted to escape.

My arms immediately dropped to my sides as if the life had been drained out of them. I began to panic. I began seeing glimpses of a figure in the mirror which was placed on the other side of the room. A snatch of green cloak. A distorted face which flickered menacingly in the moonlight. A sliver of silver which seemed to slice the room in half.

This time my wish had come true. Time stopped. And the court jester's heart also stopped. How did I know this? He collapsed and lay motionless at my feet.

And he took my pearls with him.

I clutched my neck with my hands in an attempt to quell the burning feeling which had suddenly consumed me. But I did not feel any pain. Just intrigue for the cloaked figure who had materialized before me.

She drew the hood of her cloak back to reveal a hollow face with sharp features which caught the moonlight and reflected it fiercely. I might have seen her before. But I was used to those cold eyes which bore into me. My mother's eyes. The nurses at Bedlam. And when I am not quite myself, my own eyes which search for clues as to why I had become this girl. The girl who wore a permanent haunted expression on her face. The girl who did not trust herself, let alone anyone else. The girl who lived in darkness.

"Do you recognize me Ms Hawkins?" the cloaked figure asked.

I wanted to be the wrong girl. The girl that she wasn't looking for. I wanted her to be mistaken.

"And I'm sure you remember the promise that you made me when we last met", she pressed. "I want you to take me there Ms Hawkins. You know that I am the only person who can lead those dark creatures astray".

I watched the moon slide behind the clouds and willed it to appear again. I realized that I still would not know what to expect whether I decided to trust this woman or not.

She could see that I was no more willing to help her, than dig a grave for the recently deceased court jester. In her gloved hand lay a bloodied knife.

"I don't know where it is", I blurt out suddenly.

Her eyes widened. She knew that something was wrong.

"You're lying", she said, as if this were perfectly rehearsed.

My eyes lingered on the knife. I contemplated pushing the woman out of the way so that I could reach the door. But then again, who would be faster?

"So you are prepared to spend a life in Bedlam?"

The knife dangled dangerously close to me. If she loosened her grip my fate would be sealed. Instantly.

I closed my eyes. What frightened me most was not what awaited me on the other side. It was the notion that I had to trust someone. To let them know what I knew. To keep no secrets like I have done for all my life.

The last thing I heard was Circe saying my name softly before she forced me through the only door which would remain open to me.

**…**

I need to organize my thoughts but it is too difficult when the girl with the vexing green eyes wants answers. I want to tell her what I had seen. And I also want to tell her that I will not push myself off the edge of that cliff without knowing what was waiting for me at the bottom. I wonder if I can shut off Circe to my thoughts if I put all my trust in Lady Hope. For now, that is exactly what I do.

* * *

**A/N: To be honest I wasn't intending to write a fanfic about Nell Hawkins. But then I figured out that ****Nell's past isn't really explored in Rebel Angels so I decided to write about her. On another note, I used "The Dark I Know Well" (which is one of my favourite songs from Spring Awakening) as the title of my fanfic because it reminded me of Nell. Anyway let me know how it went by reviewing.**


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